I figured that I would do things a little bit different in this blog. I feel like I have a lot to say and it might do me good to start getting shit off my chest so I figured I would give it a shot.
Well, at the moment its now 2:44 in the morning and I'm listening to music and thinking about things. I am happy somewhat, but at the same time I am almost miserable.
Ever since my life has went upside, things have been difficult. I guess, it might help for me to go and explain some things. I am adopted and have been pretty much my whole life.
I had a nice childhood for the most part. I attended private school up until like 7th grade and then I went to public school. That made a big impact on my life.
I don't know, I think going to public school really helped to bring out my personality. I made a lot of friends and had a blast. Some would say, probably too much of a blast.
I wasn't a bad kid, but my parents would beg to differ. I was the one that stood out in the family. I was what they call the "Black Sheep".
I always was different and was always treated differently. Now that I am older, I really believe it was because I was adopted.
As a teenager, my parents would ship me away when they got tired of me. I remember going to so many different group homes. Some of them, I actually requested myself to attend. I hated fighting every day with my parents. It seemed like nothing that I ever did was good enough.
My parents were firm believers of punishment. With that, I mean my father especially was a big fan of belts. He would hit you with this big leather belt that was thick as fuck, and he'd hit you where ever it would land. Man, so many days my back and legs would be bruised from being hit. There would be days were I would be literally purple and blue.
So yes as a teenager, I started to stand up to my father and refused to allow him to hit me, without fighting back. That is what pissed them off and began to want me out the house.
Shit, I wanted out the house myself! I was tired of the constant fighting and so I requested to leave.
The best years of my life was mostly from being in group homes. I actually learned a lot from them. They taught me everything that my parents were supposed to teach me.
I am not complaining about any of that, because it has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I know that I am much stronger now than I would otherwise be.
Now that I am an adult however, I have a lot of resentment for other things. You see, when I was 18 years old I found out that I was pregnant. God, I remember that day like it was yesterday!
I had lived in this house that set on the same street as the projects. Well, I had my niece with me who was like 5 years old maybe at the time, and we walked to the clinic down the street. I remember looking dumbfounded when the nurse told me the test was positive.
I had lived with my sister at that point, and we were close at the time, so I had no problem telling her that I was pregnant. I remember being so scared to tell my parents. I was just sure that they were going to kill me.
I had refused to tell them, I actually made my sister tell them. I talked to my dad after she told him, and he actually sounded really supportive and he actually made a joke about it. My mom on the other hand, the first words out of her mouth to me was, "You're gonna die of aids" You see, at the time I was with someone who was latino, and obviously she wasn't really okay with it.
So of course that really hurt me and caused a lot of tension between us at that time.I quit talking to her for awhile. It really took a lot of talking from my sister to even agree to go and talk to my mother and this was weeks later after her nasty comment.
Eventually, I had forgave my mother and we actually began to get close again. I will admit that it was really nice to be able to talk to her again about anything. Especially because I was pregnant, I went to her for advice. When different things began taking place with my body, she was the first one that I would run to.
I didn't know that months later, she would do the inevitable and hurt me in the worst way that anyone could possibly hurt someone. I could never prepare myself for the events that would begin to take place in my life.
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